Sentiments of a Broken Heart

My heart is broken because I had it broken by many things underlying my sentiments. My heart is broken because I’m still sick but I’m feeling so much better lately. My heart is broken because I miss my mom who still wouldn’t want to come home.  My heart is broken because I left my ex-boyfriend without saying any word or even just a goodbye. My heart is broken because I saw my dad’s face while making cofee smiling at me even when drunk and it was like him telling me that’s he is okay, when I know for a fact that he is not.

At this point, I just want to breakdown and cry. I have got millions of uncried tears if I may say. But all of which are hidden and I couldn’t just let it out so easily. If you were in my place, I’d like to know what you would do. I still do feel sick sometimes. And sometimes when it happens, I would just like to cry over and over again so it’d be gone. And the fact that having sex with a young boy makes it all go away. It’s funny but true and I’m all sort sarcastic with the whole idea. And I want to lose weight so bad that it makes me not want to eat dinner everyday. But good news because I’m starting to lose weight through diet and exercise, which is actually great, that’s why I previously said that I’m feeling so much better lately.

To my mother, I hope soon she would realize how badly my dad needs her. We all need her. We all miss her and we just love her too much that we wouldn’t want time to let us pass by. There’s too many things to do together with so little time. I know I’m not the favorite but I guess I’m the most understanding like an underdog who works ways underground. Mom, please come home and let me explore the world like you did; like others do. I couldn’t just leave dad all by himslef. Although my brothers are with us, but how often are they here in the house? They are busy with school.

My couzin Cheska just told me that she wants to unfriend Dane (my ex-boyfriend) in facebook. I told her to unfriend her if she wants to, it doesn’t really matter to me now. With what she told me, I went to check on Dane’s profile to see how many friends we have in common. And to my surprise, we’re not friends on facebook anymore. He “unfriended” me. Weird because Cheska just told me that she wants to unfriend him. And the funny thing is - Dane is still friends with Cheska, my brothers and my other couzins - except me! I admit, I miss Dane. He was the most prompt boyfriend I ever had. Whenever I tell him to come at me at this moment, he would! Now I wish I told him goodbye rather than not saying a word at all when I left him. That could have been more proper. It’s like a protocol I guess.

Now, what if I leave home? Let’s say by next year. I wonder if everyone in my family would agree. All my worries would just come down to one person. And that is to my dad. My dear father who has been very kind, not just to us but to everyone else as well, is sad. I can see it and I can feel it. He drowns himself to work just to forget the feeling of being lonely. I know the feeling because I, too, have just recently been detached. I haven’t seen my parents talked on the phone lately. They still talk but not as often before. And when they talk on the phone, it just breaks my heart everytime. I don’t want to go into details about it because this post could go on forever. To be honest, I’m just pretty much anxious about the future. Not just for my brothers, for my parents, but for myself as well.

You see, my heart is broken because I had to live. And I know I have learned a lot form these things. I would just actually want to live what I’ve learned. I want to get better and I’m still fighting to continuously feel great all the time. There is diet and exercise! I want my mom to be with us. I want her to come home. I wish Dane will be able to forgive me one day. And I wish my dad would take good care of himself especially his health. I wouln’t be here forever to watch over him.

Seeing my broken heart half broken made me sick. So I went to looking at my heart half fixed and now I’m slowly picking up the pieces of the other half to slowly fixed it in time. Like what they always say - time heals all wounds. I don’t even want to go into details about the scar. Save me the drama of the scars. Let me end this post now.

xoxo