Sentiments of a Broken Heart

My heart is broken because I had it broken by many things underlying my sentiments. My heart is broken because I’m still sick but I’m feeling so much better lately. My heart is broken because I miss my mom who still wouldn’t want to come home.  My heart is broken because I left my ex-boyfriend without saying any word or even just a goodbye. My heart is broken because I saw my dad’s face while making cofee smiling at me even when drunk and it was like him telling me that’s he is okay, when I know for a fact that he is not.

At this point, I just want to breakdown and cry. I have got millions of uncried tears if I may say. But all of which are hidden and I couldn’t just let it out so easily. If you were in my place, I’d like to know what you would do. I still do feel sick sometimes. And sometimes when it happens, I would just like to cry over and over again so it’d be gone. And the fact that having sex with a young boy makes it all go away. It’s funny but true and I’m all sort sarcastic with the whole idea. And I want to lose weight so bad that it makes me not want to eat dinner everyday. But good news because I’m starting to lose weight through diet and exercise, which is actually great, that’s why I previously said that I’m feeling so much better lately.

To my mother, I hope soon she would realize how badly my dad needs her. We all need her. We all miss her and we just love her too much that we wouldn’t want time to let us pass by. There’s too many things to do together with so little time. I know I’m not the favorite but I guess I’m the most understanding like an underdog who works ways underground. Mom, please come home and let me explore the world like you did; like others do. I couldn’t just leave dad all by himslef. Although my brothers are with us, but how often are they here in the house? They are busy with school.

My couzin Cheska just told me that she wants to unfriend Dane (my ex-boyfriend) in facebook. I told her to unfriend her if she wants to, it doesn’t really matter to me now. With what she told me, I went to check on Dane’s profile to see how many friends we have in common. And to my surprise, we’re not friends on facebook anymore. He “unfriended” me. Weird because Cheska just told me that she wants to unfriend him. And the funny thing is - Dane is still friends with Cheska, my brothers and my other couzins - except me! I admit, I miss Dane. He was the most prompt boyfriend I ever had. Whenever I tell him to come at me at this moment, he would! Now I wish I told him goodbye rather than not saying a word at all when I left him. That could have been more proper. It’s like a protocol I guess.

Now, what if I leave home? Let’s say by next year. I wonder if everyone in my family would agree. All my worries would just come down to one person. And that is to my dad. My dear father who has been very kind, not just to us but to everyone else as well, is sad. I can see it and I can feel it. He drowns himself to work just to forget the feeling of being lonely. I know the feeling because I, too, have just recently been detached. I haven’t seen my parents talked on the phone lately. They still talk but not as often before. And when they talk on the phone, it just breaks my heart everytime. I don’t want to go into details about it because this post could go on forever. To be honest, I’m just pretty much anxious about the future. Not just for my brothers, for my parents, but for myself as well.

You see, my heart is broken because I had to live. And I know I have learned a lot form these things. I would just actually want to live what I’ve learned. I want to get better and I’m still fighting to continuously feel great all the time. There is diet and exercise! I want my mom to be with us. I want her to come home. I wish Dane will be able to forgive me one day. And I wish my dad would take good care of himself especially his health. I wouln’t be here forever to watch over him.

Seeing my broken heart half broken made me sick. So I went to looking at my heart half fixed and now I’m slowly picking up the pieces of the other half to slowly fixed it in time. Like what they always say - time heals all wounds. I don’t even want to go into details about the scar. Save me the drama of the scars. Let me end this post now.

xoxo

REPOST: CROWDED, BEER, KISS and VODKA!

NOTE: This is actually an old post of mine which I had to delete back then due to some reasons that I find irrelevant today. So I am posting it again. This post was originally posted last August 16, 2009.

TITLE: Crowded, Beer, Kiss and Vodka!

Last night was a blast! i went out with a few friends of mine namely Query, Mykol, Clyde, Mayang, Irene and Xoxo. It was supposed to be only me and Query but we realized being on a bar that was jampacked with cute boys and sexy ladies dancing on the pole, we needed more company. Everyone was wild, a lot were drinking and some were even friendly! At one point, me and my friend went to the comfort room and when she went inside to pee i had to wait outside for her hoping that i would find a mirror but there was no mirror at all. Instead, one guy approached me and offered me a shot of vodka with mixes of i dont know. I hesitated at first but when he told me that it was his birthday i took the shot! And it was literally Hot on the throat! whew! and so he thanked me and told me that he would find me later around the bar to give me another one. It was kinda weird but hey! the guy was friendly! we even shook hands without telling our names. That was actually funny! well, he never looked for me, i know çoz i could see him from afar dancing with his friends. But we bumped on eachother outside and we talked a little when me and my friends decided to changed venue and went to JCA, another place where people hang out a lot and it is near my relatives ancestral home where my grandmother lived with her sisters down to my generation. Anyway, being on JCA was the best part.

I was standing with my friends near the gate of my aunts house while Query bought Vodka at JCA. While we were standing talking to eachother, there were 2 other guys standing not so far from us talking to someone on the phone. Both of them were cute and handsome. and one of them who was in black was just staring at me like forever! like i would cut the stare at him and when i stare back at him he’s still staring! WTH! I was melting! not only because his staring, but because he is SOOO HOT!!! and the staring situation went on for like 15 minutes, imagine that! I was SOOO making myself cute and pretty hahaha! but its a good thing that i was “so” last night! “purya buyag!” hahaha! He and his friend went inside this bar just in front of us and i was like “ok, that was it, i guess i’m never gonna’ see him again ..” But after a few minutes, to my surprise, he came outside talking to someone on the phone and he was again staring at me and finally! and i mean ”finally” he asked for my number! i was like ÝESSSSSS!!!!! and so he told me his name and vice versa and shook hands! It was super “kilig!” anyway, he went back inside the bar. and right then he texted me. We were texting until he asked me if i could get inside the bar and meet him near the entrance just for a few minutes. and so i went inside and there he was so handsome. The music was so loud so we were talking cheek to cheek when suddenly he kissed me and told me how beautiful i am! Unbelievable! we kissed! it was a long kiss! Good thing it was dark inside, i guess nobody noticed except for the 2 waiters who were looking at us! and then we said our goodbyes! i had to go back to my friends of course and he had to go somewhere else with his friends. he asked me when will he see me again, i told him just to keep in touch. And so we kept on texting that night until i went home drunk because Query bought 3 more bottles of Vodka, good thing there were 7 of us to finish it. Last night was great! It was amazing! I just could’nt stop thinking about that kiss! or Him!

I’m not looking forward for anything nor expecting something that would turn out from what happened. My life is too complex for more of that especially when it comes to love, i still have unfinished business when it comes to such things, my so called heartbound. But one thing is for sure, i had fun and i know i’m gonna’be seeing Him again lets say maybe next week? well, he just texted me!

XOXO